[Stephen Colbert]
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GUYS GET YOUR NEWS OUT THERE, BUT I LOVE-- I LOVE THE "USA TODAY." IT'S GOT ALL THIS COLOR AND EVERYTHING. I GET HOME DELIVERY OF THE "USA TODAY" BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I LIVE IN AN EMBASSY SUITES. AND I LOVE TODAY'S HEADLINES. IT SAYS, "10 DAYS. 20 EXECUTIVE ORDERS." OKAY. HE'S PULLED OUT OF TRADE DEALS, APPROVED THE BORDER WALL, REVIVED THE KEYSTONE PIPELINE. I JUST GOT TO IMAGINE, THOUGH, AFTER 10 DAYS AND 20 ORDERS, HE'S GOT TO BE DONE, RIGHT. THERE CAN'T BE ANY MORE OF THESE EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
[Jon Stewart (offscreen)]
HE'S GOT MORE, HE'S GOT MORE. TRUST ME, HE'S GOT MORE.
[Jon enters with a dead ferret as a wig, and an overlong red tie, to intense cheers from the audience]
HE'S GOT MORE.
[Stephen]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON STEWART. JON STEWART, EVERYBODY. SO GOOD, SO GOOD. THANK YOU. JON, PLEASE, PLEASE, JOIN US. JON STEWART, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU. JON, I HAVE TO SAY --
[Jon]
THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
[Stephen]
JON, I HAVE TO SAY-- I-- I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT. IS THIS-- IS THIS-- IS THIS YOUR DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION?
[Jon]
I THOUGHT THIS IS HOW MEN DRESSED NOW. I THOUGHT THIS IS-- THE PRESIDENT SETS MEN'S FASHION. AND I SAW THE INAUGURATION-- SUPER-LONG TIE, DEAD ANIMAL ON HEAD, BOOM! BOOM! DONE! BOOM!
[Stephen]
IT'S A GOOD LOOK. YOU ROCK IT. YOU ROCK THE LOOK, JON.
[Jon]
NO, IT'S THE BEST. IT'S THE BEST.
[Stephen]
WELL, JON, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU STOP BY. IS... IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, JON?
[Jon]
HE HAS MORE EXECUTIVE ORDERS. YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP, EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
[Stephen]
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
[Jon]
HE HAS MORE AND I HAVE THEM.
[Stephen]
WAIT YOU SAY YOU HAVE--YOU HAVE TRUMP'S EXECUTIVE ORDERS.
[Jon]
I'VE GOT -- WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO READ SOME? (takes a file from behind Stephen's desk)
[Stephen]
THE PILE-- THE PILE OF PROPS BEHIND MY DESK?
[Jon]
I LEFT THEM RIGHT BEHIND YOUR DESK.
[Stephen]
I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM BEFORE. I APOLOGIZE.
[Jon]
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS. I SLEEP HERE
[Stephen]
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE HOMELESS NOW.
[Jon]
I'M HOMELESS NOW.
[Stephen]
THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER ON CABLE.
[Jon]
THAT'S RIGHT.
[Stephen] THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS RIGHT HERE-- HERE --
[Jon]
THIS IS ONE OF HIS EXECUTIVE ORDERS. NUMBER ONE.
[The ferret's tail falls on Jon's eye, he takes it out while laughing]
[Stephen]
JON, IS THIS-- IS THIS ONE OF THE RESCUE ANIMALS FROM THE FARM? [Jon is nearly collapsing of laughter] HE LOOKS SO HAPPY.
[Jon]
I REALLY THOUGHT FOR A SECOND HE WAS TRYING TO CLIMB DOWN.
[Stephen]
PLEASE, DO GO ON.
[Jon]
NUMBER ONE-- PEOPLE, THIS NATION IS IN CRISIS. THIS IS SERIOUS.
[Stephen] ALL RIGHT, PLEASE... EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER ONE.
[Jon]
EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER ONE: "BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME BY THE CONSTITUTION, I, DONALD J. JONAH JAMESON TRUMP, HEREBY DIRECT THAT, TO SECURE OUR BORDER, CHINA-- CHINA, SHALL IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT HESITATION SEND US THEIR WALL. DONE." BOOM. DONE, BOOM. DONE, BOOM.
[Stephen]
HOW THEN DO WE GET MEXICO TO PAY FOR IT?
[Jon]
THIS IS THE GENIUS, STEPHEN. WHEN THE WALL ARRIVES AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER, WE SHUT THE LIGHTS AND PRETEND WE'RE NOT HOME. IT'S C.O.D. MEXICO HAS TO SIGN FOR IT. DONE." BOOM. FOR EDITING PURPOSES WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS. [points at a nearby scroll]
[Stephen]
LEAVE IT RIGHT THERE.
[Jon]
IT'S WAY TOO LONG AND YOU'RE GOING TO EDIT IT. [Stephen]
IS IT TOO LONG?
[Audience]
NO!
[Stephen]
WILL MAKE IT LONGER? (Jon takes the ferret off) KEEP THE HAT ON.
[Jon]
NO, NO.
[Stephen]
THE HAT COMES OFF.
[Jon]
IF YOU SAY CONTINUITY DOESN'T MATTER, (BLEEP) THE WHOLE THING.
[Jon takes a folded paper from behind Stephen's desk]
[Stephen]
WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS?
[Jon]
THIS NEXT ENCYCLICAL--
[Stephen]
ENCYCLICAL, JON? THAT'S POPE ISSUES, JON!
[Jon]
BELIEVE ME, HE'S GETTING THERE. I DONALD J. LINCOLN KENNEDY TRUMP THE THIRD DO PRONOUNCE AMERICA FINALLY HAS AN OFFICIAL LANGUAGE.
[Stephen]
AND I ASSUME THAT'S ENGLISH.
[Jon]
NO, THE NEW OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE UNITED STATES IS BULL(BLEEP). [puts the ferret back on, to applause of the audience and making Stephen laugh] I, DONALD J. TRUMP, HAVE INSTRUCTED MY STAFF TO SPEAK ONLY IN BULL(BLEEP). AND, BY THE WAY, NONE OF THAT, 'SURE, I'LL SPEAK BULL(BLEEP) AT WORK, BUT AT HOME I'LL USE FACTS AND REAL INFORMATION.' NO. BULL(BLEEP) ALL THE TIME. IMMERSION-- IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE FLUENT.
[ Stephen]
[holding another file]NOW, JON, I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, I HOLD IN MY HAND THE LAST EXECUTIVE ORDER
[Jon]
OH, NO FROM THE DESK OF DONALD J. TRUMP. HOLD ON.
MMM. I WONDER WHAT IT SAYS?
[Stephen]
I'LL BELIEVE IT! SIS, BOOM, BAH.
[Jon]
THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED AT THE UNITED NATIONS NATIONAL ASSEMBLY IN 1977.
[Stephen]
THIS IS THE LAST. YOU HOLD IN YOUR HAND THE VERY LAST.
[Jon]
THIS IS THE LAST ONE. ARE YOU READY FOR THE FINAL DONALD J. TRUMP EXECUTIVE ORDER.
[He gets up, Stephen pulls him by the tie...]
[Stephen]
SIT DOWN. NOW, BACK, DOWN, DOWN. DOWN, BOY!
[...and eventually rips the thing]
OH! IT'S A CLIP-ON. [both men laugh profusely] IT'S-- IT'S A (BLEEP) CLIP-ON. WHERE IS THE MIC?
[Jon]
LET ME SAY SOMETHING. THIS IS FOR BUDGETARY PURPOSES. NECESSARY THE NEW TRUMP WHITE HOUSE'S FISCALLY SOUND-- THAT'S IN MY-- [Stephen rolls the tie in] OH, BOY!
[Stephen]
AND THE LAST EXECUTIVE ORDER IS.
[Jon]
MAY I READ THE LAST EXECUTIVE ORDER.
[Stephen]
YES, YOU MAY.
[Jon]
"I, DONALD J. TRUMP, DO DECLARE BY EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT I, DONALD J. TRUMP, AM EXHAUSTING. IT HAS BEEN 11 DAYS, STEPHEN. 11 (BLEEP) DAYS. 11! THE PRESIDENCY IS SUPPOSED TO AGE THE PRESIDENT, NOT THE PUBLIC! AND THE REASON-- THIS IS-- THE REASON THAT I, DONALD J. TRUMP-- THI THIS IS HIS WORDS-- THE REASON THAT I, DONALD J. TRUMP, AM EXHAUSTING, IS THAT EVERY INSTINCT AND FIBER OF MY PATHOLOGICAL SELF-REGARD CALLS ME TO ABUSE OF POWER. I WANT-- I, DONALD J. TRUMP, WANT-- NO, DESERVE, NOT JUST YOUR RESPECT, BUT YOUR ADMIRATION. PARADES WITH THE TANKS AND THE SYNCHRONIZED DANCING. AND WHY CAN'T THEY TRAIN 10,000 DOVES TO SPELL OUT 'TRUMP' IN THE CLOUDS? HOW HARD CAN IT BE? THEY'RE ALREADY FLYING! I, DONALD J. TRUMP, AM EXHAUSTING BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO TAKE RELENTLESS STAMINA, VIGILANCE, AND EVERY INSTITUTIONAL CHECK AND BALANCE THIS GREAT COUNTRY CAN MUSTER TO KEEP ME, DONALD J. TRUMP, FROM GOING FULL PALPATINE, WITH THE LIGHTNING COMING OUT OF THE FINGERTIPS. YES, FEAR LEADS TO ANGER. ANGER LEADS TO HATE. WE HAVE NEVER FACED THIS PERFECT, PURPOSEFUL VINDICTIVE CHAOS. BUT PERHAPS THEREIN LIES THE SAVING GRACE OF I, DONALD J. TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY. NO INACTION WILL BE INADEQUATE. ALL ACTION WILL BE NECESSARY. AND IF WE DO NOT ALLOW DONALD TRUMP TO EXHAUST OUR FIGHT AND SOMEHOW COME THROUGH THIS PRESIDENCY CALAMITY-LESS, AND CONSTITUTIONALLY INTACT, THEN I, DONALD J. TRUMP, WILL HAVE DEMONSTRATED THE GREATNESS OF AMERICA, JUST NOT THE WAY I THOUGHT I WOULD.