I Paid my Cleaner (2009 Musical Comedy Awards Version) lyrics

Does anyone, um...
Does anyone here come from a really long way away?
Does anyone think they can claim
That they've come the furthest just to be here tonight?
Anyone got, like, an impressive... hometown that's miles away?
"Guatemala!"
Really? Which bit?
"Just off the peninsula"
No way
Know Big Steve?
(unintelligible)
Yeah, he knows you

[The song]
I paid my cleaner
To kill my cat