Benoit Blanc vs. Hercule Poirot lyrics

[Verse 1: Hercule Poirot]
Mon dieu…
This poor man’s been attacked! Don’t panic, though; have some confidence
Murders on the track are exactly what I am strongest in!
Ah, Monsieur Blanc, is it? You’re, how you say…? Incompetent
Something here is afoot, so watch me once again go stomp on— shhh…
You’re too bothered with these long metaphors that you use to accomplish and prove nothing!
Rule out people, then you deduce from it, so, what do you do that a game of Clue couldn’t?
Took a genre so crucially truthful and churned out regurgitative spoof vomit!
If you’re wondering who Blanc is, he’s stood accused of reducing a whodunit to a who’s dumbest
Ah! The best detective's not likely Double-O-Seven Herbs and Spices
The only sense he’s left is of dress, and that’s ‘cause Inspector Called a new stylist!
I detect every tiny detail ‘cause my mind magnifies it
Yet what I’ll never find is Benoit Blanc on any invite list!
You’re an impostor in hot water, like Among Us in the bathtub
So full of crap, cut that bumpkin accent you yap with, because the act’s up!
Contrive your way into my brain with writing help from Rian?
Mon ami, there’s only one gray cell I’ll let you see inside of

[Verse 2: Benoit Blanc]
This case is like an egg; what I mean is, you can’t stand it
That’s alright - enter Benoit Blanc, he’s here to crack it!
Can I ask that you retract all your dull points like a fake knife?
Now, that mustache mask alone’s covering up a crime!
Your far-fetched farming dreams will have to wait tight
The only thing you’ve planted in the soil is your late wife
It’s not a mystery, since seeing him be so wicked
That dame Agatha Christie wished he’d never been written!
But please, before you diss me, consider the wind conditions
Watch it blow up in your face—literally—wire you trippin’?
The collected evidence confirms this decorated veteran possessed
The intent to disperse of this gentleman, thus making this murder his second one!
You’ve certainly switched your profession up, now learn the taste of your own medicine!
Too bad I couldn’t have served him it earlier and prevented his heart from letting up
[Verse 3: Frank Columbo]
Sorry to interrupt your skirmish, detectives
I’m Lieutenant Columbo, I’d like to ask a few questions
I’ve never been the kinda man to act tough
But don’t force my hands, or I’ll show you howcatchem
I know you smart types all have your methods, but, Blanc, it’s awful suspicious
To find you next to that lifeless body arguing with it
Poirot, you said you worked with cops, but what I’m tryna figure out
You spent all that time in Brussels and never tried one of their sprouts?
And I’m sorry for your loss, wives can nag at ya for a while
But even after the murder, you’re still… living in denial?
Mr. Blanc, he inspired your act, right? In fact
I can tell, ‘cause a donut’s not the kinda hole some would describe you as
Spent weeks abroad stressing your husband; suspicious, isn’t it?
You’ll be the first man to catch a case while social distancing
That’s all. Boy, whoever did this must’ve been some posh snob…
Oh, just one more thing... how much those watches cost?

[Verse 4: L]
Just one thing indeed, Lieutenant, I’ll have to stop you right there
Don’t think you’re N’s successor just because you’re growing white hairs
How typical, it’s rich men who you target as suspects
But my suspicions of your guilt have grown beyond just one percent
So yes, I’d hardly call you qualified for solving this man’s death
The fake eye tells me your perception skills are far out of their depth
In all of your episodes, it’s the same stars you’re opposing
Oh, this time, Rob Culp’s the culprit? Fantastic job, Sherlock Homeless
You take what’s known, rediscover it; less Columbo, more Columbus
And that glass eye would spill glass tears before you ever cracked a Glass Onion
Your entire charade is built on lies and folk tales
That body seems like just another target Mr. Falk tailed
[Verse 5: Batman]
Not quite, but since you play a chess match well
I am the Dark Knight and I’ve been following your path, L
We both were orphans, but through the pain, I forged my way with discipline
Your mind was molded in a program made for gifted kids
I don’t think your goal’s to save the innocent
Prestige must be sugar-laced; I know your brain’s addicted to it
Your ego’s feasted well off Tokyo’s carcass
The perfect foil to Kira because you’re heartless
Treating lives like they’re pawns, spending all of your time watching the Light
But make sure you mind the darkness
Gotham’s shinigami in the darkest corners of the city, watching
Preserving life and crashing any guilty party!
Riddle solving, it comes with the job, so hide as Hideki, L, or Ryuzaki
There’s no pseudonym that you’re adopting which will stop me!
All that effort to see Light indicted
Just to be written off by his sidekick’s sidekick
The pieces point to you from all sides; what will you do next?
It’s checkmate, and you’re just like your heart: with no moves left

[Verse 6: Shaggy, Scooby Doo, and Batman]
How many damaged fragile as*h*les does it take to crack a murder scene?
Like, don’t lash out at Shaggy, man, ‘cause it wasn’t me!
(Batman!) Scoob, we can’t rush to conclusions; it’s important
Last time someone took shots in the dark, Bruce got orphaned!
Boy, wonder where you would get a sidekick if the elementary doesn’t let him back in!
‘Cause I don’t think you’ll get away with, like, how you like to meddle with kids!
Been let up and tricked for eighty-three years, and Gotham’s hope has not gotten closer!
No belt or bat wings, and I’m better equipped; give me one crossover, I’ll drop the Joker!
Every quack in Arkham slides right past ya when you catch ‘em
Like, I get the “bat” thing; you’re blinder than Velma without her glasses!
He’s got a Shagworthy-sized mansion, why are you never happy?
Gang, unmask him! It’s Ben Affleck—ZOINKS!—and he’s method acting!
One percent, and I trash your crummy villains in under minutes
Like, who raised you to be such an idiot? Like, the butler did it!
Okay, Rogers, solve the murder if you’re so damn smart
Like, I don’t know, man, I’m only here for the free sandwich bar!
[Verse 7: Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, Both]
Pass me my pipe and my hat (Ey), I got my eyes on the facts (Ey)
Stringing more notes than my violin has; this case is finally cracked
Step on the street with the Baker, and I put that fire in my raps
Now that you’re talking to Sherlock Holmes, there ain’t a mind who can match!
No, you can’t handle the truth; I’ve seen dead bodies that bring better value than you!
What do you actually do? No better than bait when your crew leaves you battered and bruised!
Not a hard fact to deduce! Gathering clues on some Baskerville hounds
See a dog that can bite, tear a man to the ground; but the mutts laid before me are Shaggy and Scoob!
Hercule, I can see you ain’t aged well! No evidence; relying on your fake tales
My sidekick’s a doctor; Arthur Hastings still ain’t using his brain or his “gray cells”
Searching for the murderer in cottages and quaint dwells; terminate a perpetrator ‘fore they ever raise hell!
Pray tell, you derail to distract from the pain when your wife derailed from the track, like…
Batman, all the tech that you got ain’t helping you more than one line of coke (Huh)
Under all of that stuff, you’re, down to the core, a regular bloke (Huh)
Even L needs a force behind him, I’m solving crimes on my own
So, go read about it; gain more renown with every death that I note!
Riding through on a horse-drawn carriage right past Frank, who got caught in traffic!
Run-down car; only banger he’s having! He’s sorting clues; can’t sort his marriage!
Monsieur Blanc, here’s advice I’m giving: stop the villain ‘fore the crime’s committed!
’Cause every visit, you find a victim like you’ve been bribed by sly morticians!
Gathering the clues of the crime, all you sleuths can’t decide on the culprit, the weapon, or who’s in the right!
But by looking how the lace on his shoe has been tied and the stains of the juice on his thigh...
That he tumbled and fell, I assume with a fright, but I see there’s no blood or a wound in my sight!
With the use of my light, see the moves of his eye; I can only conclude that this dude’s still alive!