[Narrator]
Due to MTV's recent acquisition of PBS
This evening's three-hour performance of Hamlet
Has been reduced to one minute
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
Oh f(beep)
Gents, do you hear that?
[GQ]
What?
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
One minute
[Other Three]
Oh f(beep)
[clapping]
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
To be or not to be
That is the question
It seems I'm going mad
Losing my discretion
It seems, nay, it is
I know not, seems
To wake or to sleep
Perchance to dream
[Erik Weiner]
There's something rotten in the State of Denmark
It's midnight at the Castle Elsinore when "Hark"
[Claudius/GQ]
Who's your brother in law?
Who's your brother in law, babe?
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
Yo, Mom, that's my uncle
Get off my dad's grave
[Ghost of King/Erik Weiner]
Son, I've been unnaturally murdered
Oh, curse-ed spite
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
The time is out of joint
I've got to set it right
I must avenge my father and kill Claudius
I'm gonna start by acting nuts
And talking to the audience
[Ophelia/Erik Weiner]
Hey, Hamlet, if you love me
Why are you shunning me?
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
I never loved thee
Go get thee to a nunnery
Hey nonny nonny
And a nonny nonny hey
Gather 'round everybody
For a play within a play
[Puppet/Erik Weiner]
I poison you!
{Puppet 2/Erik Weiner]
I be illin'
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
You're smiling
[Claudius/GQ]
I'm smiling?
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
You must be a villain
[Gertrude/JAQ]
He didn't kill your dad
[Gertrude and Claudius/JAQ and GQ]
Not that we'd admit it
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
I know she's my mom, but she's hot
I want to hit it
This curtain really makes me
Want to do something erroneous
This isn't who I meant to kill
This is, this is Polonius
[Claudius/GQ]
Gentle Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Pin this note on Hamlet's pants
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
And you'll get killed in turn
[Claudius/GQ]
Sorry
[Ophelia/Erik Weiner]
Oh, it's so mad
Hey, there's my dead dad
I'm gonna go drown myself now
'Cuz I'm sad
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
To be or not to be
That is the question
It seems I'm going mad
Losing my discretion
[GQ]
Yo, Hamlet, we already heard those lines
Just cut to the part where everyone starts dying
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
Alas, poor Yorick
Oh my god, Ophelia's dead
This might be my last chance
To get her in bed
[Laertes/Erik Weiner]
Hamlet, you scoundrel
That's my sister you're boffin'
[Claudius/GQ]
Bring on the grand duel
Right here by the coffin
First, just let me poison this cup
[Laertes/Erik Weiner]
Yo, what is up now, Ham-a-let?
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
What up?
[Laertes/Erik Weiner]
I'm going to kill you with this poison sword of mine
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
Oh, you will?
[Laertes/Erik Weiner]
Yeah
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
Yeah
[Laertes/Erik Weiner]
Yeah
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
Yeah
[Laertes/Erik Weiner]
Yeah
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
Fine
Oww, now it's on
You're going to get stuck
[Gertrude/JAQ]
Here's to Hamlet
[Claudius/GQ]
Don't drink it!
Oh, no
F(beep)
That poison was meant for you
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
You killed my mom
It's time to do this
I've waited way too long
[Claudius/GQ]
Good God, I've been bled
[Laertes/Erik Weiner]
And the poison has spread
[Hamlet/Jordan Allen-Dutton]
I'm dying
I'm dying
I'm dying
[Other Three]
You're dead
[Horatio/JAQ]
Let flights of angels
Sing thee to thy ditch
[Fortinbras/GQ]
I'm Fortinbras of Norway
Taking over this b*tch
Ya heard?