“This show is not about biscuits!” lyrics

[DOUG, spoken]
Now, you're probably sitting there thinking to yourself
"That song had nothing to do with anything"

[BUD, spoken]
This show is not about biscuits!

[DOUG, spoken]
So, what are we doing?
Well, people like me and Bud call a song like that a "Charm Song"

[BUD, spoken]
But Doug, why do we need a charm song?

[DOUG, spoken]
Well, a charm song gives the audience a break
From watching the stuff they actually care about

[BUD, spoken]
Also, a charm song can help you get a really famous person
To play a really tiny role
For instance, one day, in the role of Young Monk
We are hoping to get none other than Mr. Timothée Chalamet!

[DOUG, spoken]
And that is not how I thought you pronounced either of thosе words!
[BUD, spoken]
But enough about biscuits
Gutenberg just invеnted the printing press, but nobody knows that yet
Scene six, the Schlimmer market
A stinky place filled with rotting fruit, dead bodies, and... antiques