Ukulele lyrics

[Brandon]
Guys, I need your help!

[Saverio]
Brandon, quit being a b*tch

[Brandon]
No, I'm being serious
I'm in some real deep sh*t!

[Mike]
Aw crap, is your di*k stuck
In a Chinese finger trap?

[Brandon]
No!
I met a girl on a superficial dating app

[Saverio]
Is she hot?

[Brandon]
Yeah dude! She's like a nine!
Here's a picture of her

[Mike & Saverio]
Goddamn she fine!
[Mike]
The only way this could be a bad thing
Is if you were gay
And I don't think you are
So why the hell you acting this way?

[Brandon]
A little bit of fibbing
Put me in this sh*tty position
I might have lied in my bio
And now she thinks I'm a musician
And she thought that I was hot
And she wanted to meet up
Now we're going on a date in half an hour!

[Saverio]
He's f*cked

[Mike]
Don't say that!

[Brandon]
Come on, guys
I came to you for help
You need to make me a musician
I can't do this by myself!
[Mike]
This is a long shot
You're throwing from half court

[Brandon]
Mike, you know piano
Can't you just give me a crash course?

[Mike]
Damn it, Brandon!
I can't make a man a pianist like magic
It's gonna take practice
So we're gonna have to find the instrument
That you can learn the fastest

[Saverio]
Something really cheap and easy
That'll make you seem attractive

[Mike & Saverio]
And lucky for you
We just happen to have it

[Brandon]
The f*ck is that?
[Saverio]
It's called a ukulele
A useful tool of music
To help you seduce the ladies

[Mike]
Having one of these with you
Makes it so easy to score
That with only four chords
Hoards of whores can be yours
I promise, it'll work

[Brandon]
I don't know if I believe you

[Saverio]
You hear that, Mike?
Brandon says he needs proof

[Mike]
Just sit back and relax

[Saverio]
We'll tell you 'bout the time we

[Mike & Saverio]
Took a crazy vacation
To the state of Hawaii

[Saverio]
So we were sitting on the beach
And Mike says to me

[Mike]
Yo, let's try to get some booty
From these hula dancing hoochies

[Saverio]
Long story short: it didn't go well
The bikini babes see us and they tell us

[Bikini Babes (Mike & Saverio)]
Go to hell!

[Mike]
We must be ugly or something
But f*ck it, whatever
Let's hit the gift shop
And something to make us feel better

[Saverio]
In the corner of the store
In an orderly display
Were some genuine article ukuleles

[Mike]
So we paid the man eighty-nine dollars
My hopes of getting laid are fading away
'Till I hear Saverio say

[Saverio]
I've got it!
It's clear that we don't have enough sex
But I think that we just bought ourselves
The key to success
So we went back to the beach
To those shawties in the sand

[Mike & Saverio]
This time with a ukulele in our hands

[Mike]
We stood real proud
With our backs to the shore

[Mike & Saverio]
And we jammed out
To the world's easiest chords

[Saverio]
First chord: all the girls stop and listen

[Mike]
Second chord: all the girls' tops go missing

[Saverio]
Third chord: all the girls get so horny

[Mike & Saverio]
By the fourth chord
We started a Hawaiian beach orgy

[Mike]
She do the hula on my di*k
And she ain't even getting paid

[Saverio]
She putting flowers 'round my neck
I'm about to get laid

[Mike]
Got that pus*y on a platter
And I'm about to eat up

[Saverio]
I go HAM on her pineapple
Call that a Hawaiian pizza

[Mike]
Didn't know it was December
It's Mele Kalikimaka
And every breast is a present
She letting me lick her tatas

[Saverio]
Got a volcanic erection
It's flowing over with lava
I'm going nuts for her coconuts
Treating me like 'ohana

[Mike]
Props to all my Lilos and Stitches
Pimp game difficult
But I know the cheat codes and glitches

[Saverio]
Cheap hoes and b*tches
Swallow my potential babies

[Mike & Saverio]
All cause we rolled up
And played the ukulele

[Brandon]
Holy sh*t, did that actually happen?

[Saverio]
Well, what can I say?
It's a gadget of passion

[Mike]
It's the simplest instrument
And it's practically magic

[Saverio]
You could play a thousand songs
Without having to practice

[Mike]
Here's a paper with a couple written lessons

[Mike & Saverio]
And we'll be right behind you
If you have any questions

[Brandon]
f*ck yeah!
Me and this girl are gon' get it on!
Cut to us sitting at the restaurant

[Waiter (Saverio)]
Bonjour
What would you like order this evening

[Tinder Girl (Morgan Lyons)]
I'll take a tofurkey salad
With very light seasoning

[Brandon (Overlapping)]
Tofurkey salad...
Very light seasoning
Yup, I want that

[Tinder Girl]
Oh hey!
We ordered the same thing!

[Brandon]
Yeah, what do you know!
We must be mentally linked
So
What do you do for fun?

[Tinder Girl]
Well, I volunteer a lot
I collect handguns...

[Brandon]
Wait, what?

[Tinder Girl]
And in my spare time
I like to watch GDP
What about you?

[Brandon]
Uh
Same!
Yeah yeah, I'm totally into that
Yeah

[Tinder Girl]
Wow, I've never met another person
Who was into German Dungeon Porn

[Brandon]
Yup
I love it

[Tinder Girl]
So you said that you were
Gonna sing a song for me?

[Brandon]
Oh yeah!
That's why I brought this thing along with me

[Tinder Girl]
Ooh, how cute, a ukulele!
I'm all ears, so go ahead
What did you wanna play for me?

[Brandon]
Alright Brandon, the moment of truth
A bold soldier on his own
Armed with only his uke
Do this right
And the girl across the table is your lover
No more hesitations
Time to do this mothaf*cka!
Ooh yeah
f*ck
sh*t
Yeah
Ooh-hoo
Your eyes
And your
Butt
f*ck
Ju--
Fu--
Mm
f*ck
Your bu--
*cough cough

[Tinder Girl]
That
Was interesting
Wait, what's that sound?

[Mike]
Ooh uh oh
sh*t's going down

[Tinder Girl]
I hear the soft jangling of strings from afar
Holy sh*t, that guy has a guitar!

[Douchey Guitar Guy (Nathan Moore) (Underneath following)]
Your eyes
And your butt
Your eyes
And your--

[Brandon]
Guys, you told me this was fool proof!

[Saverio]
But this was unexpected!

[Mike]
An unprecedented failure!

[Brandon]
But I did what you directed!
I brought the ukulele
And I played the four chords!

[Tinder Girl]
Yeah, but his is so much bigger than yours
How long did it take you to play?

[Douchey Guitar Guy]
You know, couple days

[Tinder Girl]
Ooh, your arms are so big
Your so strong

[Douchey Guitar Guy]
Oh, well thank you! I lift
I lift boobs
I mean, weights
All the time

[Brandon]
f*ck!

[Saverio]
That's what I call really bad luck

[Brandon]
She left me for a guitarist!
I bet he only knows those four chords

[Mike]
Yeah, he's probably retarded

[Brandon]
What's the f*cking point
Of using datings apps
If you can lose your date
To a douchebag in a beanie cap?

[Saverio]
So, what are you gonna do?

[Brandon]
I'm gonna go home
And jack off to her profile pic
f*ck that guy