A Gristmas Carol (Bonus Track) lyrics

*"Deck the Halls" starts playing*

Here's your chance to sing along now
Share these lyrics with a chum or two
Raise your voice in Yuletide song, now
All the tunes are old, the words are new

*Music switches to "Jingle Bells"*

Someone please explain
Caroling to me
Is the purpose not
To make someone’s ears bleed?
What is the appeal
In such cheery songs
Why don't we just toss the score and sing the lyrics wrong!?
Gristmas songs
Gristmas songs
f*ck 'em up real good!
Maybe if we’re lucky, we'll disturb the neighborhood!
Gristmas songs
Gristmas songs
Screech 'em till you're hoarse!
It might not be wise to do this publicly, of course...

*Music switches to "Good King Wenceslas"
Ugly sweater shopping time
Just don't tell Kanaya!
If she catches me in these threads, she might set me on fire!
Dave rigged his with LEDs
So it lights up brightly
Blinking words on scratchy wool
Must endure this sh*t nightly...

*Music switches to "Joy to the World"*

This one goes out to all the JohnKat shippers!
*Ahem*

Joy to the world
EXCEPT FOR JOHN!
I HOPE
THAT f*ckASS
DIES!

*Music switches to "Here we come A-Wassailing"

There goes Terezi with Wayward Vagabond again
Scribbling on the walls
Since I can't remember when
But whatever they wreck
Or if there's no blank meteor left
I'll protect my precious DVDs with everything I have
Lest "The Santa Clause" fall into the wrong hands!
*Music switches to "O Christmas Tree"*

This one’s gonna be my Magnum Opus!

O, Ancestors
O, Ancestors
Why are you all dysfunctional?
O, Ancestors, why can’t you see
The rightful leader of this team
O, Ancestors
O, Ancestors
It's either this or Kankri!

The grand finale was written by SonicRocksMySocks and used with her permission!

*Music switches to "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

*AHEM*

On the twelfth day of Twelfth Perigee my Matesprit gave to me...

TWELVE rippling hoofbeasts
ELEVEN frogs a-leaping
TEN empty buckets
NINE cans of Faygo
EIGHT spiders spinning
SEVEN paraplegics
SIX revving chainsaws...
*Breath*

FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE f*ckASSEEEEES

Four cuttlefish
Three sharp claws
Two sets of stairs
And a Scalemate hanging from the treeeee!

*Music switches to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"

And now, in the true spirit of Gristmas, I shall now complain!

I can’t believe I wasted
Four whole minutes of my precious lifetime
On singing stupid Christmas carolllls...

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

Now please leave me aloooone!