holding your sleeping body i prayed to god for the first time in my life that i would be able to keep you alive (P1500021.MP4 November 12 2020) lyrics

[Verse 1]
2020, writing journals that I barely remember
Threatening my stepdad with a bread knife in the kitchen
Preteen, probably no good reason
Could've been so much worse
But the fury in his features, inches from mine - so familiar
Back in the present a phone explodes beside me
Is this a joke I don't get?
"Sorry" then even closer, again
Frozen - no bread knife, no preteen chaos
I'm not a reason
But im not a reason to stop which is worse
But it's still not that bad
It nеver is

[Verse 2]
A holographic sheet of plastic
Found in the ruins of a Huawei P30 on an apartmеnt floor
Let's make something with it
Let's move forward
"I miss you"
Optimistic like a child
You would've hated that
Regression or fear of you, pick one
I can't believe I let you convince me
That being scared of your screaming was my fault
I went to therapy like you told me to, what the f*ck?
Over and over
I put everything I had into keeping you safe
And when I realized it was impossible
I finally had to protect myself
[Verse 3]
2018, after so much work and distance
I finally felt carefree
I finally loved myself a little bit
Now I'm empty and I'm afraid of everyone
Still, I don't regret anything
Six years living in a short-circuiting wind tunnel
Bracing myself every second
Now my insides are frozen and I can't see the sky
Oh I made you feel bad?
Good, that's how you get better
Until you understand the weight
Of what your behavior slowly did to me
You'll be stuck inside yourself
And nothing will ever change

[Outro]
Or you can just keep making sh*t up about me
At this point I don't really care

[Speech]
(“Okay, check this out
This, uh- this came out of your phone
I found it on the ground
Look what it does when I put it over the lens
Isn’t that f*cking cool?
It’s...
Yeah, I don’t know
I just wanted to show you, I was really excited
Love you”)