AOL Blast Interviews the cast of Detective Crashmore lyrics

~An interview with the cast of Detective Crashmore. There's a host and three cast members. Two of the cast are young attractive actors and the third is a big burly man with a white beard and rosy cheeks. He is wearing a leather jacket and a fedora.

[Wesley]
Hey AOL Blast viewers. It's me, it's your boy Wesley Fillmore sitting down with the cast of Lamador Pictures' latest action flick, Detective Crashmore. This thing is fun!

[Santa]
Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Wesley]
Before we dig in with the tough quеstions, let's meet our guests.

~Santa laughs~

[Wesley]
Linda Easley who plays Moniquе, Ryan Tanna as the fresh-faced Sergeant Wilkes, and of course, the man who needs no introduction. You might know him from his other job delivering presents to kids all over the world on Christmas, Santa Claus.

~As the host is speaking, Santa's jovial demeanor changes to surprise and then anger. He stands up from his chair and begins to remove his microphone~

[Santa]
Didn't anybody tell you anything? I told your producers, "Do not mention Christmas or that I do it at all."

~Wesley looks uncertainly off camera~

[Wesley]
They told me not to focus on it.
[Santa]
And I told them not to mention it at all. If Leonardo DiCaprio was here, would you ask him about Christmases around the corner?

~Ryan shifts in his seat uncomfortably~

[Wesley]
Would you like me to interview you as an actor?

[Santa]
That would be great. That would be f*cking great for me, thank you. Absolute f*cking bullsh*t.

~Santa sits back down and his castmates look embarrased~

[Santa]
Unprofessional bullsh*t. It's why no one watches AOL Blast. Bullsh*t.

~Wesley shuffles his cue cards, reluctant to continue the interview~

[Wesley]
So, Santa, how would you describe Detective Crashmore?

~Santa exhales, licks his lips, and clasps his hands together~

[Santa]
It's a cosmic mix of the action of the '90s combined with the exploitation films of the '70s, but with modern touches. It's hyper-violence, but it knows that it is. It's a little bit Tarantino. It's definitely a little bit Michael Mann. It's kind of a cosmic gumbo. It almost moves to the beat of jazz.
~Santa chuckles~

[Wesley]
Great.

[Santa]
Yeah, Ryan and I would joke on set about it being a cosmic gumbo. But, uh--

[Wesley]
Let's talk for a second about the nudity in the film. Was that scary for you as an actor to do?

[Santa]
Well, the script called for it. It's an important part of Detective Crashmore's journey. What are we, ten years old? I've seen every c*ck on the planet.

~Santa's cast mates are speechless~

[Santa]
I've seen everyone naked.

[Wesley]
I'm sorry, you've seen everyone naked?

[Santa]
Yeah, see if they got tattoos. If they do they get no gift.

[Wesley]
So, if you get a tattoo, you don't get anything for Christmas?
[Santa]
Not that year. You think getting a tattoo is good? No. Getting a tattoo is not good. I don't care about it, but it's not good behavior. ...I got paid two mil to play Crashmore.

[Wesley]
How does that money help you?

[Santa]
Well, it does, because that amount is called my quote. That's my rate. So the next film I'm offered, they have to pay that same amount. Even if I do a bad job. That means, as long as I'm offered even one more movie, I could get two more mil. Even if I do a bad job, they've got to give me that other two mil.

[Wesley]
Okay. Great.

~Santa smiles, drops his smile, and then lowers his head while keeping his eyes fixed on the host~