Dear O. (Let Go) lyrics

Dear O.,

I suppose the only way I can start is saying I'm a coward for not mustering enough strength to at least write out your full name. You know not how it pains me to do such, to turn around corners in school and have my eyes meet yours before I can rush to the bathroom. You know not the emotional turmoil you inflicted upon me with your very presence. That cat and mouse game you bore upon me was anything but real to you.

I'm not sure how you never understood what you were doing to me—that it was wrong. That how you got up close to me, allowed your fingers to dance ovеr my thigh, would spark such dreams of you. That how you then ignored mе, acted as if you had never heard my name nor seen my face, would inflict such anguish upon me that I could barely muster up enough courage to go to school, for I knew you'd be there, smiling and happy as if the world was in perfect alignment while I cried myself to sleep every night, because of you.

You'll never be able to comprehend the joy that bloomed to life inside of me when you texted me after five months of disregarding me. You'll never be able to comprehend how excited I'd felt when you took interest in my writing—something no one had ever done before.

You'll never be able to comprehend the turmoil I endured when you failed to call me, when you ignored me for the month after, and then I was forced to go to school, to see your happy, shining face, as if everything was perfect, when, because of you, nothing was perfect.

I suppose you don't know that Francis Kinloch—in my writing—is
based off of you. The confusing, emotionally manipulative, infuriating character that I've brought it upon myself to write is truly inspired off of you and your actions toward me. If I am being honest, I don't know why I put myself through such pain, purposefully push myself through hatred for the character I created. Maybe it's because, if John Laurens—who is based off of me—conquers him, perhaps I can conquer you.

I'll never understand what made you do such to me. I'll never understand how you thought your actions to be okay. But I know I can learn to forgive and forget, and though both will prove to be extremely challenging—as Hamilton would put it, "a herculean task"—I know the result will be well worth it. Perhaps I can let go.

Sincerely,
Ace M.