Billy The Mountain [Playground Psychotics] lyrics

[Intro]
Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
(The clarinet is playing the theme of Ethel and Billy)
A regular picturesque, postcard-y mountain
Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman!
With his stunning wife Ethel
A tree!...
A tree!
Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw that would go up 'n down
And whenever it did, he’d puff out some dust, and
Hack up a boulder! (Hack!)
Hack up a boulder! (Hack, Hack!)
Hack up a boulder! (Hack, Hack, Hack!)
Hack up a boulder!

[Spoken word verse 1]
Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental
(Honk! Honk!)
And he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain
Right where his foot was supposed to be
Now, Billy the Mountain, he couldn't believe it!
All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of these years
And finally, now, at last, his Royalties!
(Royalties! 5x) (MGM, MGM)
Billy the Mountain was rich!
His eyeball-caves widened in amazement
His cliff, which was his jaw, it dropped thirty feet!
Ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out!
Rocks and boulders hacked up (hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack! hack!)
Crushing the Lincoln!
Now, the man in the checkered suit, well
Without his car, he went screaming off into the desert, at sunset...
Aaaa-aaaa-aaaah!
...all the way to Rosamond to get a beer
And tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car
[Verse 1]
I gave him the money, he acted real funny
He hacked up a rock and it totaled my car
Oh, do you
Know any trucks might be bound for the valley?
I don’t wanna stand here all night in this bar
Dear Lord I
Don't wanna stand here all night in this bar
No sh*t, I
Don't wanna stand here all night in this bar (Aa-aaa-aaar!)

[Spoken word verse 2]
By two o'clock, and the bars had already closed down, Billy had already broken the big news to Ethel (Ha-haa!)
With dust and boulders everywhere
Billy, choked with excitement, announced:
"Ethel, we're going on a vacation."
Yes! And they were going on a vacation!
Oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel!
Ethel just like a woman, of course she was delighted! (laughing)
She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her! (Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song!)
Billy told Ethel they were going to...
They were going to New York!
"Ethel, we're going to..."
"New York."
But first they would stop in Las Vegas!
[Verse 2]
It's, off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles, drink a few beers
Oh, Ethel!
Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year
Oh, neat-o!
Glad we could have a vacation this year (Ee-eee-eeear!)

[Spoken word verse 3]
They left that night
Crunching across the Mojave Desert
Their voices echoing through the canyons of your mind!
"Ethel, wanna get a cup a’ coffee?" (Howard Johnson’s! It's a Howard’s- Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)
"Ahhh! there’s a Howard Johnson's. Wanna eat some clams?"

[Spoken word verse 4]
The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards' Air Force Base (Alright! ...)
And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike
Speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night
When Test Stand #1 and the rocket sled itself got...
LUNCHED!
By a famous mountain... (Haddi-haddi-ha-ha!)
And his small, wooden wife (Haddi-haddi-ha, haddi-ha-hee-hee-da-da!)

[Verse 3]
Good bye to Las Vegas, farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles, we drank a few beers
Chug-a-lug-a-lug!
Guess that George Putnam should be on the air now
With the biggest new story that has broken this year
George Putnam!
His biggest new story that has broken this year (Take it away, George!)
[Spoken word verse 5]
"Word just in to the KTTV News Service...
...Undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring
However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crackdown, in Torrance...
...Hawthorne...
...And Lomita...
...Will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment...
...And pave the way for stiffer legislation...
...Increased federal aid...
...And avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the inland empire
But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethel is a former communist."

[Spoken word verse 6]
Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon (Wah wah wah, nice lady!)
To raise funds for the injured (injured!)
And homeless (homeless!)
In Denver!
As Billy had just leveled it
And a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a
'Oh Mein Papa'...
...In the Earth's crust
Right over the secret underground dumps
Where they keep the
Pools of old poison gas!
And obsolete germ bombs!
Just as a freak tornado cruised through!
(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, aaaah)
Sucking up two thirds of it! (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!)
For untimely dispersal over vast stretches of...
...The Mid West!

[Spoken word verse 7]
Now, it was about this time
I think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio
That Billy got his notice to report for his Induction Physical
Now, believe me, Ethel said she wasn't gonna let him go!
"I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!"
And George Putnam, the right-wing, creep-o, fascist pig newscaster from Los Angeles said...
Take it away George Putnam, the right-wing, creep-o, fascist pig newscaster from Los Angeles!

[Spoken word verse 8]
"We now have confirm reports from an informed Orange County minister, that Ethel is still an active communist
And it's this reporter's opinion that she also practices... (Heeeey!)
...Witchcraft!"

[Spoken word verse 9 (with Star-Spangled Banner)]
It was about this time that the telephone rang
In the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man whom might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself! (Aaaay!)
And, just like I've told you before, that one man was Studebaker Hawk, a marvelous person
And we'd like to give a few details in the inner-workings of his consciousness
If you bring the band on down behind me, boys, we can grind into this next section

[Verse 4]
Now, some men say he looked like (he looked like)
Felix Pappalardi (Felix Pappalardi); still others say (others say)
Bullsh*t, man (bullsh*t, man) he was just born (he was born)
Next to the frozen beef pies at Gristedes (frozen beef pies)
Still others say (others say he was just another)
Again, he was just a crazy Italian (crazy Italian) who drove a red car
You see it was hard to tell (but nobody knows)
Nobody knew for sure (for sure)
He was so (so) mysterious! (mysterious)
He was so, mysterious!
He was so, mysterious!
Cause when a person gets to be such a hero, folks!
And marvelous beyond compute!
You can never really tell about a guy like that...
...Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot (what?)
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?
(Whether he's really a nice person, or if he has a son named Pinocchio, or what?)
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka (Hut!)
And all the girls in flushing would be
(Two, Three!) Amazed of him! (Time passing) (Right!)

[Spoken word bridge]
January
February
1975
1986
March 1914

[Verse 5]
So when the phone rang (thank you)
In the secret briefcase (thank you)
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch (And flexy bracelet!)
Grabbed it!
And answered in a deep, calmly assured voice!

[Spoken word verse 10]
Yes, this is he!
What?
A-a mountain
With a tree growing off of his shoulder? (The theme is being sung by Mark)
You're full'a sh*t, man!
A mountain with a tree gr-
Well-w-w, oh well, alright, let me write this down then, sorta take a few notes here
To New York? Augh!
Causing untold destruction?!
(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, oh!
My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby
My baby, my baby
My baby, my baby, my baby
My baby, my baby)
Wooo!
(My baby, my baby, my baby)
Ah!
Wanted for draft evasion?
Can I, can I fly there immediately and
And reason with him?
An expense account?
And per diem, too?

[Spoken word bridge]
Some men say he can dance!
Yes, he could dance
And here it is, Ladies and Gentlemen:
The Studebaker Hawk Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer for Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
Right hand from the heart-uh (Professional!)
Left hand from the heart-uh (Exquisite!)
Right hand from the heart-uh (Homunculus!)
Left hand from the left shoulder to the heart-uh
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
(And, of course, you can see why the government would send someone like this to talk to a mountain)

[Spoken word verse 11]
There were a number of very peculiar rumors circulating about Studebaker Hawk recently
Not the strangest of these was the one
That gave him credit
For being able to
Write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin
Some men say he could write The Lord's Prayer!
On the head of a-
Head of a-
Head of a pin!
Ah, Three Dog Night! Yeah!

[Bridge]
Other still maintain the faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaact-uh! (Good God!)
He was born next to the frozen beef pies! (That give you any idea what sort of person he was?!)
And that was the main influence on him!

[Spoken word verse 12]
Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife
Who ran a modeling school, whereupon she...
He ran around the back of Gimbels to see if he could find some big unused cardboard boxes
After which, he hit up Gristedes
For some Kaiser Broiler Foil
Some Aunt Jemima syrup
And a pair of blunt scissors! Heh-heh-heh-hey!
Yes! And in the parking lot
Across the street from the One Fifth Avenue Hotel
In between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking
He cut out a pair of really, really nice wings, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Th-thor-thorough-ly with foil
Th-th-thorough-lyyyyy! Wi-th wi-th foil!
Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms
And sneaked into a telephone booth!
He closed the door!
He closed the door!
And he pulled down his grey denim bus driver type pants
And he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer print shorts, ha ha ha!
Soon the booth was filling with flies! (Help me, help me, help me!)
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in!
Yes! And when each and every one of those little
Each and every one of those little c*ck sucking flies had gone into his boxer shorts, and was lapping up all that good Aunt Jemima syrup
He bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said to those little flies
In a clear, impressive voice:
"New York!"
...and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!

[Verse 6]
Studebaker Hawk, yeah yeah!
Studebaker, Stu-de-baker Hawk!
Studebaker Hawk, yeah yeah!
Studebaker, Stu-de-baker Hawk!
He's coating his legs with Aunt Jemima syrup up and down!
His shorts'll be filled with flies that will be buzzing all around! (Help me, help me, help me!)
Studebaker Hawk
He's really outta sight!
Studebaker Hawk
He does it every night!
Studebaker Hawk
He treats the flies all right
Studebaker Hawk
That's why they never bite, hey!

[Refrain]
Please to New York!
Fly to New York!
He could be a dog or a frog or a lesbian queen!
Fly to New York!
He could be a nark or a lady marine!

[Verse 7]
Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty!
Getting old? Say...
I don't know!
His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on!
'Cause Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's on!

[Refrain]
Please to New York!
Fly to New York!

[Keyboard solo: Ian Underwood]

[Guitar solo: Frank Zappa]

[Refrain]
Fly to New York!
I don't know!

[Verse 10 Reprise]
His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on!
'Cause Ethel is gone
Keep leading him on!
'Cause Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's on!

[Spoken word verse 13]
We join Studebaker Hawk standing on the edge of Billy The Mountain's mouth
"Billy?
I've come to reason with you!
Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces!
Why, it's all fair and square! The lottery, you know? Your number came up!
You can't go on running like this forever!"
Ethel shook her twigs angrily
But Studebaker Hawk, unperturbed, continued:
"Listen, you (cough cough)..
Listen, you communist son of a b*tch!
You better get your ass down there for your f*cking physical
Or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation!
And your girlfriend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms
Primitive ironing boards
Or a dog house!
Get the (cough, cough)
Get the picture?"
Billy just laughed:
"Ho ho ho! If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy!"
Now you'll remember that Studebaker Hawk was standing on the edge of Billy's mouth
So that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

That was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie, let's hear another set!
Which only goes to prove:

[Verse 11]
A Mountain is something you don't wanna f*ck with!
You don't wanna f*ck with, don't f*ck around!
Don't f*ck around
Don't f*ck with Billy and don't f*ck with Ethel!
You saw what just happened to the guy with the flies!

[Outro]
Don't f*ck around!
Don't f*ck around!
Dooon't f*ck arooouuund!
Dooon't f*ck arooouuund!
Don't f*ck around!
Don't f*ck around!
Don't f*ck around!
With...
Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly!
Biddilly the mountin-in!
Biddilly the mountin-in!
Hadi-hadi-ha-daaaahh!
Hadi-hadi-ha-yadi-yadi-ya-da-da!
Thank you for coming to our concert, good night