Bards have all the fun lyrics

[Tom]
A single flute note is played as the background music begins

[DM, spoken]
On the horizon of this forest path you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you, what do you do?

[Barbarian player, spoken]
My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and- rolls dice thats a one

[DM, spoken]
Critical fail, Steve what do you do?

[Steve, spoken]
Well I believe in anticipation my rogue would try and hide behind a tree-rolls dice ok I rolled a 1-...

[DM, spoken]
That's another critical fail. Tom, what does your human bard do?

[Tom, spoken]
Small amount of flute notes
Active Perception Check
Dice roll

[DM, spoken]
That's a natural 20…
[Tom, spoken, sung]
Let’s f*cking go
Large amount of flute notes
I feel it in my fingers
Snap
I feel it in my toes
Flute note
These muthaf*ckas mean to harm us
And they got to go
So come on, get ‘em now
You picked the wrong day
To f*ck around with my
Tight
Crew
Uh
Huh
There’s no escapin’ it!
I can perceive you
Here’s what we’re gonna do!
Flute notes
Me and ma boys gonna mess you up!

[Barbarian player, spoken]
I rolled a one

[Steve, spoken]
I rolled a one
[Tom, sung, spoken]:
f*ck :D!
Flute
My boys are otherwise engaged!
So I’m gonna bring it all myself
Hey- I forgot, you’re supposed to tell me what I see, right?

[DM, spoken]
Yes, thank you let’s just slow it all down a bit
So you notice that one of the cloaked figures is a little shorter-

[Tom, spoken, sung]
I cast VICIOUS MOCKERY
Dice roll
Nat 20! Lets go!!
You’re a short muthaf*cka
And nobody likes you!
Flute notes
SHORT!
Everybody says
“Look how f*cking short that guy is”
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships!
And when you were born everyone thought that you were just a head
But then the doctor said:
“Wait!
This stupid muthaf*cka tiny short ass baby
Got a tiny little itty bitty body and I
Hate it.”
[DM, spoken]
Your attack lands and absolutely
SHATTERS
The mind of the cloaked figure
Perception check, please

[Tom, spoken]
Dice roll
Nat 20
Let’s go!

[DM, spoken]
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a
CHILD

[Tom, spoken]
It’s always a kid

[DM, spoken]
Specifically the child you’ve been looking for
For the past 15 days game time
And 5 days of our actual lives!

[Tom, spoken]
Ok! I’m sorry
I didn’t know, I’ll be better
Fu- His body’s just lying there, right?
…
Right?

[DM, spoken]
Yes?
…DON’T-

[Tom, sung]
Loot that body!
(gotta loot that body now!)
Loot that body!
(gotta loot that muthaf*cka!)
Play my flute when I loot that dead kid’s body!
Intense flute playing
b*tch!