Mr. Birchum vs. Velma (2023) lyrics

[Intro]:
EPIC RAP BATLES OF HISTORY
MR. Birchum…
VERSUS…
Velma…
Begin

[Verse 1: Velma & Gamer chair]
Mr. Birch, is it true you're a di*k?
'Cause the school year will start with a murder mystery, b*tch!
White guys with a black friend is all your show beckons
30 years in the oven I'll cook in 33 seconds!
Making your students work in your yard, that's stolen labor
Enjoying veteran days as a coast guard, that's stolen valor
You sperg about mahogany, your daughter's all the same
You're so autistic about Saw it's putting GlenOck to shame!
I'll cut a cishet male's wood, throw it in the shredder
Even your son's gaming chair drops insults better: (T'es un pd)
Pardon the body shaming but you're not very athletic
Alex YIIK works at your school? Okay, this is epic
Two seasons going strong, it's impossible to top me
You make fun of Star Wars so Carano may give you sloppy
You're a dollar store Hank Hill, stuck in a Tony Zaret skit
And Mr. Karponzi was right, that's some shady sh*t!

[Verse 2: Mr. Birchum & Velma]
You're not a better Scooby Doo, you're a worse Heathers
You remind me of my wife, god I do hecking hate her
You womanipulate your friends, their lives must be so horrible
Two dorky dudes named Daphne and Norville
I'm an American patriot who served for his nation
But 2 episodes in makes me root back for segregation!
This loaf is weak as a twig, she couldn't change a light bolb
I go hard as an Oak, so you can suck on this log! (I'm fifteen)
Spoiled brat, don't be a meanie toward my Jeanie (GRRR)
I'm bored of this fight, I'd rather face Slipping Jimmy!
So go and whine about men, I'll be hanging out with Fred
I'll leave a Dorkley as expected: Most likely dead
[Verse 3: Velma]
Well I don't give a f*ck if I'm insulting your precious teachings
Let's analyze the facts, 'cause I don't care about your feelings!
Your content doesn't make your target audience content
'Cause you screwed all of your subs without asking for consent!
If your show intended to be stacked with edgy humor
Why'd they hire the one guy who wrote for Amy Schumer?
You snuck behind a paywall and laid low on the curses
The gay furry dropped slurs, what are YOUR excuses?

[Verse 4: Mr. Birchum]
*Groans* Self inserts took a turn after Jailbreak^2, dang
Just look at what you've done to the Mystery Gang!
Shaggy's anti drugs, Daphne is one of them colored folks
I'm America's wake up call, you’re an American woke!
You're not being brave by making fun of cartoons
Keep deconstructing the genre and you'll only be leaving ruins!
Blue hair? Donkey. White guilt? That's a Donkey
Removing Scooby Doo from his own show? Double donkey!
The black kids would find better rep from Uncle Ruckus
You're a drama starving middle schooler, I have my own office!
And I hung out with Gage, I've let the thought linger
My pronouns are rap/batler, my gender is winner!

[Verse 5: Velma & Mr. Birchum]
(This mustn't register on an emotional level...
First, childhood's tragedy... then gesture scooby snack...
Norville finishes punchline... next, acknowledge compliment
Conclude with killer catchphrase…)
I believe your- Aaaah! I am having deadly hallucinations again!
Wow, what a realistic depiction of a panic attack
[Outro: The Announcer & Mr.Karponzi]:
Who win?
What's next?
You decide
EPIC RAP-
Wait wait let’s be more inclusive, say this
UH… BATLES OF HERSTORY
I don’t even get paid for this sh*t…