Alice’s Restaurant (The Massacree Revisited) lyrics

You might have heard this before, I know I have
This song is called Alice's Restaurant, it's about Alice and the restaurant
But Alice's Restaurant was never the name of a restaurant that was always just the name of the song, and I guess that
Well, that's probably why I still call this song Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad track
An' you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

I wasn't gonna sing the song tonight, or this decade
But I realized sometime earlier this year that it had been 26 years since this come out as a movie, and-and it was two years before that that it came out as a record, and it was two years ago on the record which means it was like thirty Thanksgivings ago, thirty years ago on Thanksgiving when my friend and I decided to go up and visit Alice at the restaurant. But Alice didn't used to live in a restaurant, she used to live in the church nearby the restaurant in the bell tower with her husband Ray and Fasha the dog. And living in the bell tower like that they used to have a lot of room downstairs where the pews used to be, seeing as how that took out all of the pews and having all that room they decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for a long time. We got up there found the place was filled with garbage and we decided it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the town dump

So we took the half a ton of garbage put it in the back of a red VW Microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the town dump. We got there, there was a sign, a chain across the road, and the sign said "closed on Thanksgiving". We had never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before and so with tears in our eyes we drove off into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage. We didn't find one, till we come to a side road and off of the side of the side road there was a 15-foot cliff and at the bottom of the cliff there was another pile of garbage. We decided that one big pile'd be better than two little ones and rather than bring that one up we decided to throw ours down. That's what we did. Drove back to the church had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning when we got a phone call from officer Obie

He said: "Kid, we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage. Just wanted to know if you had any information about it." I said: "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie. I put that envelope under that garbage." Was after speaking to Obie for about 45 minutes on the telephone that we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and Obie said we had to go down and pick up the garbage and we also had to go down and talk to him at the police officer station

Now, friends, there was only one of two things that Obie could have done at the police officer station. The first thing was he could have give us a medal for being so brave and honest on the telephone. Which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it. The other possibility was that he could have bawled us out he told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again, which is what we expected. But when we got to the police officer station there was a third possibility that we hadn't counted on. And we was both immediately arrested, handcuffed, and I said "Obie, I don't think I can pick up the garbage with the handcuffs on." He said: "Shut up, Kid. Get in the back of the patrol car."

And we sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the quote, "Scene of the crime", unquote. Friends, I wanna tell you about the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts where this was happening, they got three stop signs, two police officers, and one police car. But when we got to the scene of the crime there was five police officers and three police cars being the biggest crime of the last 50 years and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it and they was using up all kinds of cop equipment they had hanging around the police officer station. They was taken plaster tire track footprints dog-smelling prints and they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and paragraph on the back of each one's explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. They took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner, the southwest corner and that's not to mention the aerial photography

And it was after the ordeal we went back to the jail. Obie said he was gonna put us in and he said "Kid, I'm gonna put you in the cell. Give me your wallet and your belt." and I said: "Obie, I can understand you wanting my wallet, so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you want the belt for?" he said "Kid, we don't want any hangings", and I said "Obie, did you think I was gonna hang myself for littering?" Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was cuz he took out the toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll the toilet paper out the window slide down the roll have an escape and get away, Obie was making sure all right. It was about four or five hours later that Alice– remember Alice? This is still about Alice. Anyway Alice come by and with a few nasty words to Obie on the side she bailed us out of jail. We went back to the church had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning when we all had to go to court

We walked in, sat down, Obie come in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us, and he sat down. A man come in, he said, "All rise." And we stood up, and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures, and the judge walked in with a seeing eye dog, sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures and looked at the seeing eye dog. And Obie began to cry, 'cause Obie come to the realization that it was a typical case of American blind justice, and there was no way the judge was going to look at the twenty seven eight-by– well it doesn't matter. Cause we was fined twenty-five dollars and had to pick up the garbage. In the snow, but that's not what I come to talk about so much, I just thought I'd mention it. Cause I know there's probably some people sitting here tonight thinking this is some kind of nostalgic ballad or something

And I hope so. But you never know, they've still got that building down in New York City on Whitehall Street and others like it all around America, and that's where you used to have to go get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected. And I remember I had to go in there one morning a long time ago for a physical examination, so I got good and drunk the night before, 'cause I wanted to feel my best when I went in that morning. I mean I wanted to feel, I wanted to look, I wanted to *be* like the all-American kid, and when I went in that morning I was hung down, I was brung down, I was hung up, and all kinds o' mean and nasty and ugly looking things. And I waked in, I sat down, and they gave me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604."
I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna kill. I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, kill, kill, kill." And I started jumpin' up and down yelling, "Kill! Kill!" and he started jumpin' up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling, "Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!" Till the Sergeant come over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

I didn't feel real good about it

An' I proceeded on down the hall gettin' more injections, inspections, and all kinds of stuff that they as doin' to me at the thing there, and I was there for two, three, four, five hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty ugly things. They was inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no parts untouched. But I proceeded through until I finally come to the see the very last man. I walked up, I said, "What do you want to see me about?" He said, "Kid, we only have one more question. Have you ever been… arrested?"

And I told him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacree, with five part harmony, full orchestration, all kinds of the phenomenon, he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you go to court?"

And I told him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one, and he stopped me again and said, "Kid, I want you to go over and sit down on that bench that says Grrrroup W! Now, kid!"

I went over there, Group W. Group W's where they used to put you if you may not have been moral enough to join the army after committin' your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking people on the bench. There was mother rapers, father stabbers, father rapers! I mean there was father rapers sitting there on the bench next to me! I mean they was mean nasty ugly horrible crime-type guys, and the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of 'em all, was coming over to me and he sat down next to me and said, "Kid, what'd you get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay $25 and pick up the garbage." He said, "Kid, what was you arrested for?" And I said, "Litterin'." And they all moved away from me on the bench there, until I said, "And creating a nuisance!" And they all came back, and shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench, talkin' about crime, mother stabbing, father raping, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of stuff having a good time, until the Sergeant come over, had some paper in his hand. He held it up, he went like this, he said

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-37-words-37-sentences-we-wanna-know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say" [?], and talked for forty-five minutes but nobody understood a word he said, but we had fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench. And I wrote down the massacree like I was supposed to and I put down the pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there on the other side of that piece of paper, in the middle of the other side, underlined and capitalized, away from everything else on the other side read the following words: "Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?"

I went over to the Sergeant, said, "Sergeant, you got a lot a damn gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself. I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W ben– I mean I'm sittin'– I mean, I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench 'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women, kids, houses, children and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints off to Washington."

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in a little folder is a study in black and white of my fingerprints. They're still there. And the only reason I'm singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, sometime, even some of you could be in a situation like it sometime sooner than you're sittin' here thinking about right now, and if you ever find in a situation like that and you don't know what to do, there may be only one thing– well, there may not actually be a hell of a lot you can do at all

But just something you can try and that's to be wherever it is you're supposed to be, you just go down there, you sit there, you ask to see the shrink, you go up there, you say like "oh shriiiink! Excuse me man, but uh, [singing] You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant". [speaking] And walk out. Imagine one person, I mean even today, walking in, singing some Alice's Restaurant and walking out? They're gonna say "Hey, that guy's thirty years too late, get that guy out of here!"

Imagine two of them walking in, hand in hand, singing in harmony. I don't care what the president says, unfortunately to a lot of people that's still a problem! Imagine three of them, they might think it was some kind of organization or something! So you can imagine like fifty people, maybe fifty people a day walking in, singing some Alice's Restaurant and walking out? Friends they might think it's a movement! And most of 'em'd be too young to know what a movement was

That's what it was, the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree Movement, that's what it was and that's what it is. And I guess that's always what it's gonna be. And all you've got to do to join is sing it with me the next time it comes around again on the guitar. With feeling

[singing]
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad track
[crowd, singing]
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
[Arlo, speaking]
No, no, no. You can't start singing loud just at the end if I quit singing! You would've thought after all this time you would've learnt by now if you want to end war and stuff you got to learn sing to sing loud all the time so people can hear you! Now I know this is a long song. Believe me, I know how long it is and even on the record when it come out it was pretty long, eighteen minutes like I said or something and I'm not sitting here trying to make it any longer, but I can feel it. I know there's people sitting in this very room tonight that don't believe that songs can change the world or that songs can change the destiny of nations. I don't blame you, I wouldn't have thought so myself

Of course I know something that some of you might not know, but I was reminded of it during the last election. See, I remembered back when Jimmy Carter was elected president 'cause I got an invitation to his inauguration, and I knew I had to go because I knew it'd be the only one I ever got. Been right so far. And I went down to Washington DC, I'm not making this up this is real now, I went down to Washington and it's just like you see on TV, people partying and stuff, and everything was fine until along toward evening somebody come around tap me on the shoulder and I turned around and it was Chip Carter, the President's son. I said "Hi Chip!" I recognized him, he was about my age. He said, "Arlo, I've been looking everywhere for you." I said "Chip, how come?" He said "Arlo, I've got something very important to tell you." And I said "Chip, what is it?" He said "Arlo, we were moving our stuff into the White House and in the Nixon record library we found a copy of your record, Alice's Restaurant." I looked at Chip Carter, I looked deep into the man's soul and I said "Chiiip! Was it open?" And in slow motion he nodded yes, it had been opened

And I want you folks sitting here tonight to know that I did not think about that for a long time, until just recently when we was all thinking 'bout Richard Nixon when he passed away. I see some young people who may not know but see Richard Nixon was the President of these United States, and he used to like to tape stuff. And if you can imagine a world before VCRs and cassette decks was everywhere, you can imagine a man who was truly ahead of his time! And he, he taped everything that went on in the White House and everything was fine until one day they started playing back the tapes! People found out what was going on in there! But it wasn't anything that was on any tape that got the man in trouble, so much as it was what he had erased from the tapes. And there, there was one particular famous gap in one of those tapes that I was thinking about one night, when I said to myself "Arlo, how many things in the world are eighteen minutes and twenty seconds long?"

Well, how how many things in the world are exactly eighteen minutes and twenty seconds long? Probably just a coincidence. But it's good enough for me. So when the song comes around again on the guitar, remember that songs can change the destiny of nations, even if it's only by coincidence. You just have to know the words, have the feeling, and wait for it to come around again on the guitar

[Arlo and crowd, singing]
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant (Excepting Alice)
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Da-da da-da da-da da-dum
At Alice's Restaurant