f*cksticks lyrics

Now, my old Grandad had a word
He used when things went wrong
To introduce this word to you I put it in a song
So everytime this word gets used his memory lives on
I'm about to tell you what it is so you can sing along

"f*cksticks!"
When Nan wouldn't let him touch her furry pie
"f*cksticks!"
When he got some shrapnel lodged in his Jap's eye
"f*cksticks!"
When a German sniper shot him in the c*ck
"f*cksticks!"
When he found a lump on his left bollock
"f*cksticks!"
When me Nan died and she left him all alone
"f*cksticks!"
When he let a bogus caller in his home
"f*cksticks!"
When the first black people moved into his street
"f*cksticks!"
When arthritis meant he couldn't beat his meat
"f*cksticks! Mother's c*nt, f*cksticks!"

So everytime I hear the word
I start to reminisce
I suddenly taste Werthers and get a faint whiff of p*ss
So when someone annoys me or things get on my pip
I think about the moany, racist old c*nt and really let it rip...
"f*cksticks!"
When I miss an open goal in 5-a-side
"f*cksticks!"
When I lost my hard-on's after Nan had died
"f*cksticks!"
When the teacher's told me that I was no good
"f*cksticks!"
When the old bill caught me wanking in the wood
"f*cksticks!"
When I'm having it off and I think of my old man
"f*cksticks!"
When Little Kunt leaves skidmarks down the pan
"f*cksticks!"
When some other f*cker pushes in a queue
"f*cksticks!"
When you get caught short and really need a poo
"f*cksticks!"
When I came a-tumbling off my BMX
"f*cksticks!"
When I split my frenulum while having sex
"f*cksticks!"
When some smart-ass gives me my comeuppence
"f*cksticks!"
When it's ages since I've seen a lady's tuppence
"f*cksticks!"
When there's no clean pants so you have to wear your Mum's
"f*cksticks!"
When your bird won't let you f*ck her up the bum
"f*cksticks!"
When you feel all queer and you don't know what to say
If you say "f*cksticks!" "f*cksticks!" "f*cksticks!"
It just makes everything OK
"f*cksticks! Mother's c*nt, f*cksticks!"