I Don’t Want to be Vain Anymore lyrics

if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then i am blind
i dont want to be funny anymore
i don’t think i have lived, but how come i have died?
etched clouds of dark grey on a paper-drawn skeleton in the areas i wish i could burn
they say being ugly buils character but all it gave me was plentiful fractures
despised my nose so i bashed it in with a mallet
hated my heart so i tried to find home in a casket
my hair so i bleached it
burn money like cigarettes
there must be something wrong with meaning of love
must be something wrong with me if the love of
my life hasn’t approached yet
i am water that is simmering
evaporating, soon to be nothing
if i am a ghost, what am i haunting?
if i am normal, then why can’t i see it?
if i am dead, then i have lost my coffin
what am i missing?
my hopelessness, it has helped me stay grounded
humble & hollow
haunted, even
my body is a ghost town
i have such a story to tell but no one is willing to listen
bargaining with the reaper,
will my life commence soon
or am i just a pathetic demonstration of what not to do?
has my guardian angel become a fallen one?
but now i am looking for light, looking for signs of potential life
i’ll reach in the deepest darkest pits of my god forsaken heart, trying to turn this melancholy into art
oh mother, am i finally enough?
all my emotions are sparse
rotting in the dark
God, i used to talk as if i had unlimited air in my lungs
but now i render quiet
i dont wanna be the funny girl anymore
i want to be lovable
god i wish i was small, not tall
if i could go back for a second chance and redo it all
wouldnt it feel twice as old?
i dont want to be vain anymore
i wish i just could be a boy
christ haunts my body but doesn’t let me see him
i could of been great
my mother built me up to be great
but i collapsed underneath my own weight
weak in the legs, strong in the arms
stupid girl will jump over a thousand times
just to feel the pain of causing it yourself this time

i am coated in thick tar
just like in a plastic bag, i struggle to breathe
i would paint the sky in shades of indigo and orange and purple and blue
just for you
but i am colour blind
i am just a hopeful fool
digging up my grave trying to remember who was standing in my shoes
but this isn’t what i wanted to see, i didn’t envision this to be my truth

and medusa, i understand her
i recognise her fury
she's was no villain to me
the same anger that burns inside the basement of my body
I have no hate in my heart, it's all in a far bigger organ
within my skin
i push it down in my stomach till its so acidic i perforate
sacrificed for a religious sake
vampiric crucifixion, death through stake
i didnt make it
i didnt make it
i didnt make it
i didnt make it
i was never going to reach it
hate in my spit, i swallow it
i didnt make it
i didnt make it
i thought i finally had a chance to be sacred
i was never designed to get it
i didnt make it
i didnt make it


i'd be far healthier if everyone else was blind,
I feel guilt for every man i liked oh how embarrassing it must've been to attract me,
i was the moss that they tried to swipe away
but this broken girl all she ever wanted was to stay out of the rain
i am astonished i made it to the age of eighteen
my sadness is just muscle memory
i would tell you i am sorry, but i am bound to commit it again
chemicals, i seemed to have misplaced them all
i am drowning in the rainfall
i am sinking beneath the skin of the angered river
it’ll leave me feeling inferior
i was once very clever
i am comforted by the stubbornness of my misery
it clings you me
in the eyes of myself, i’ll forever be the worst i can imagine
maybe in another life, i will be forgiven