Cards Against Humanity lyrics

Black cards

• A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without ________.
• After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought ________ to the people of Haiti.
• Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of ________.
• And the Academy Award for ________ goes to ________.
• Anthropologists have recently discovered a primitive tribe that worships ________.
• BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ________.
• But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you ________.
• Coming to Broadway this season, ________: The Musical.
• Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with ________ and would like your advice.
• During Picasso's often-overlooked Brown Period, he produced hundreds of paintings of ________.
• During sex, I like to think about ________.
• For my next trick, I will pull ________ out of ________.
• How am I maintaining my relationship status?
• I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with ________.
• I drink to forget ________.
• I got 99 problems but ________ ain't one.
• I never truly understood ________ until I encountered ________.
• I'm sorry professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of ________.
• In 1,000 years when paper money is but a distant memory, ________ will be our currency.
• In L.A. County Jail, word is you can trade 200 cigarettes for ________.
• In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that ________ had really been ________ all along.
• In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about ________.
• In a world ravaged by ________, our only solace is ________.
• In an attempt to reach a wider audience, the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has opened an interactive exhibit on ________.
• In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with ________ for the first time.
• Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children ________.
• It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with ________.
• Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to ________.
• Lifetime© presents ________, the story of ________.
• MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with ________.
• Major League Baseball has banned ________ for giving players an unfair advantage.
• Make a haiku.
• Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's ________.
• Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of ________.
• Next on ESPN2, the World Series of ________.
• Rumor has it that Vladimir Putin's favorite dish is ________ stuffed with ________.
• Step 1: ________.
  Step 2: ________.
  Step 3: Profit.
• Studies show that lab rats navigate mazes 50% faster after being exposed to ________.
• TSA guidelines now prohibit ________ on airplanes.
• That's right, I killed ________. How, you ask? ________.
• The class field trip was completely ruined by ________.
• This is the way the world ends
  This is the way the world ends
  Not with a bang but with ________.
• War! What is it good for?
• What am I giving up for Lent?
• What are my parents hiding from me?
• What did I bring back from Mexico?
• What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?
• What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?
• What do old people smell like?
• What does di*k Cheney prefer?
• What don't you want to find in your Chinese food?
• What ended my last relationship?
• What gets better with age?
• What gives me uncontrollable gas?
• What helps Obama unwind?
• What is Batman's guilty pleasure?
• What never fails to liven up the party?
• What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?
• What will always get you laid?
• What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?
• What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?
• What's a girl's best friend?
• What's my anti-drug?
• What's my secret power?
• What's that smell?
• What's that sound?
• What's the crustiest?
• What's the most emo?
• What's the new fad diet?
• What's the next Happy Meal© toy?
• What's the next superhero/sidekick duo?
• What's there a ton of in heaven?
• When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of ________.
• When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate ________.
• When I was tripping on acid, ________ turned into ________.
• When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a Plague of ________.
• While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on ________.
• White people like ________.
• Why am I sticky?
• Why can't I sleep at night?
• Why do I hurt all over?
• ________ + ________ = ________.
• ________ is a slippery slope that leads to ________.
• ________. Betcha can't have just one!
• ________. High five, bro.
• ________. It's a trap!
• ________. That's how I want to die.
• ________: good to the last drop.
• ________: kid-tested, mother-approved.
• ________? There's an app for that.

White cards

• 72 virgins.
• 8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
• A Bop It™.
• A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee.
• A bag of magic beans.
• A balanced breakfast.
• A big hoopla about nothing.
• A bleached as*h*le.
• A brain tumor.
• A can of whoop-ass.
• A clandestine butt scratch.
• A cooler full of organs.
• A death ray.
• A defective condom.
• A disappointing birthday party.
• A drive-by shooting.
• A falcon with a cap on its head.
• A fetus.
• A foul mouth.
• A gassy antelope.
• A gentle caress of the inner thigh.
• A good sniff.
• A gypsy curse.
• A homoerotic volleyball montage.
• A hot mess.
• A lifetime of sadness.
• A look-see.
• A mating display.
• A microp*nis.
• A middle-aged man on roller skates.
• A mime having a stroke.
• A moment of silence.
• A monkey smoking a cigar.
• A mopey zoo lion.
• A murder most foul.
• A really cool hat.
• A robust mongoloid.
• A sad handjob.
• A salty surprise.
• A sassy black woman.
• A sausage festival.
• A sea of troubles.
• A snapping turtle biting the tip of your p*nis.
• A stray pube.
• A thermonuclear detonation.
• A time travel paradox.
• A tiny horse.
• A windmill full of corpses.
• A zesty breakfast burrito.
• AIDS
• AXE Body Spray.
• Aaron Burr.
• Active listening.
• Actually taking candy from a baby.
• Adderall™.
• Agriculture.
• Alcoholism.
• All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
• Altar boys.
• American Gladiators.
• Amputees.
• An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
• An Oedipus complex.
• An asymmetric boob job.
• An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
• An honest cop with nothing left to lose.
• An icepick lobotomy.
• Anal beads.
• Another goddamn vampire movie.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Asians who aren't good at math.
• Assless chaps.
• Attitude.
• Auschwitz.
• Authentic Mexican cuisine.
• Autocannibalism.
• BATMAN!!!
• Balls.
• Barack Obama.
• Bees?
• Being a di*k to children.
• Being a motherf*cking sorcerer.
• Being fabulous.
• Being marginalized.
• Being on fire.
• Being rich.
• Bill Nye the Science Guy.
• Bingeing and purging.
• b*tches.
• Black people.
• Bling.
• Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars.
• Boogers.
• Breaking out into song and dance.
• Britney Spears at 55.
• Cards Against Humanity.
• Catapults.
• Centaurs.
• Chainsaws for hands.
• Charisma.
• Cheating in the Special Olympics.
• Child abuse.
• Child beauty pageants.
• Children on leashes.
• Chivalry.
• Christopher Walken.
• Chutzpah.
• Civilian casualties.
• Classist undertones.
• Coat hanger abortions.
• c*ckfights.
• College.
• Concealing a boner
• Consultants.
• Copping a feel.
• Count Chocula.
• Crippling debt.
• Crystal meth.
• Cuddling.
• Customer service representatives.
• Cybernetic enhancements.
• Daddy issues.
• Darth Vader.
• Date rape.
• Dead babies.
• Dead parents.
• Dental dams.
• di*k Cheney.
• di*k fingers.
• Doin' it in the butt.
• Doing the right thing.
• Domino's™ Oreo™ Dessert Pizza.
• Drinking alone.
• Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
• Dry heaving.
• Dwarf tossing.
• Dying of dysentery.
• Dying.
• Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
• Eating the last known bison.
• Edible underpants.
• Elderly Japanese men.
• Embryonic stem cells.
• Emotions.
• Erectile dysfunction.
• Estrogen.
• Ethnic cleansing.
• Eugenics.
• Euphoria™ by Calvin Klein.
• Exactly what you'd expect.
• Exchanging pleasantries.
• Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
• Explosions.
• Famine.
• Fancy Feast©.
• Farting and walking away.
• Fear itself.
• Feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
• Fiery poops.
• Figgy pudding.
• Finger painting.
• Fingering.
• Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.
• Five-Dollar Footlongs™.
• Flash flooding.
• Flesh-eating bacteria.
• Flightless birds.
• Flying sex snakes.
• Foreskin.
• Forgetting the Alamo.
• Former President George W. Bush.
• Free samples.
• Friction.
• Friendly fire.
• Friends who eat all the snacks.
• Friends with benefits.
• Frolicking.
• Full frontal nudity.
• Gandhi.
• Geese.
• Genghis Khan.
• Genital piercings.
• German dungeon porn.
• Getting drunk on mouthwash.
• Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
• Getting really high.
• Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
• Ghosts.
• Giving 110%.
• Glenn Beck being harried by a swarm of buzzards.
• Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook.
• Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts.
• Global warming.
• Gloryholes.
• GoGurt®.
• Goats eating cans.
• Goblins.
• God.
• Golden showers.
• Grandma.
• Grave robbing.
• Guys who don't call.
• Half-assed foreplay.
• Harry Potter erotica.
• Heartwarming orphans.
• Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II.
• Heteronormativity.
• Historically black colleges.
• Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine©.
• Homeless people.
• Hope.
• Hormone injections.
• Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.
• Horse meat.
• Hot Pockets©.
• Hot cheese.
• Hot people.
• Hulk Hogan.
• Hurricane Katrina.
• Inappropriate yodeling.
• Incest.
• Intelligent design.
• Italians.
• j*rking off into a pool of children's tears.
• Jew-fros.
• Jewish fraternities.
• Jibber-jabber.
• John Wilkes Booth.
• Judge Judy.
• Justin Bieber.
• Kamikaze pilots.
• Kanye West.
• Keanu Reeves.
• Keg stands.
• Kids with ass cancer.
• Kim Jong-il.
• Lactation.
• Lady Gaga.
• Lance Armstrong's missing testicle.
• Land mines.
• Laying an egg.
• Leaving an awkward voicemail.
• Leprosy.
• Licking things to claim them as your own.
• Lockjaw.
• Loose lips.
• Lumberjack fantasies.
• Lunchables™.
• Making a pouty face.
• Man meat.
• Masturbation.
• Mathletes.
• Me time.
• MechaHitler.
• Men.
• Menstruation.
• Michael Jackson.
• Michelle Obama's arms.
• Morgan Freeman's voice.
• Mouth herpes.
• Mr. Clean, right behind you.
• Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him).
• Multiple stab wounds.
• Mutually-assured destruction.
• My collection of high-tech sex toys.
• My genitals.
• My inner demons.
• My relationship status.
• My sex life.
• My soul.
• My vagina.
• Natalie Portman.
• Natural male enhancement.
• Natural selection.
• Nazis.
• Necrophilia.
• New Age music.
• Nickelback.
• Nicolas Cage.
• Nipple blades.
• Nocturnal emissions.
• Not giving a sh*t about the Third World.
• Not reciprocating oral sex.
• Obesity.
• Object permanence.
• Old-people smell.
• Oompa-Loompas.
• Opposable thumbs.
• Overcompensation.
• Oversized lollipops.
• Pabst Blue Ribbon.
• Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling c*m.
• Panda sex.
• Parting the Red Sea.
• Party poopers.
• Passable transvestites.
• Passing a kidney stone.
• Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
• Pedophiles.
• Peeing a little bit.
• p*nis envy.
• Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
• Pictures of boobs.
• Pixelated bukkake.
• Police brutality.
• Pooping back and forth. Forever.
• Poor life choices.
• Poor people.
• Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
• Porn Stars.
• Powerful thighs.
• Prancing.
• Praying the gay away.
• Preteens.
• Pretending to care.
• Pterodactyl eggs.
• Puberty.
• Public ridicule.
• Pulling out.
• Puppies!
• Queefing.
• Racially-biased SAT questions.
• Racism.
• Raping and pillaging.
• Raptor attacks.
• Re-gifting.
• Repression.
• Republicans.
• Riding off into the sunset.
• Road head.
• Robert Downey, Jr.
• RoboCop.
• Ronald Reagan.
• Roofies.
• Same-sex ice dancing.
• Sarah Palin.
• Saxophone solos.
• Scalping.
• Science.
• Scientology.
• Scrubbing under the folds.
• Sean Connery.
• Sean Penn.
• Seduction.
• Self-loathing.
• Seppuku.
• Serfdom.
• Sexting.
• Sexual tension.
• Sexy pillow fights.
• Shapeshifters.
• Shaquille O'Neal's acting career.
• Sharing needles.
• Skeletor.
• Smallpox blankets.
• Smegma.
• Sniffing glue.
• Soiling oneself.
• Soup that is too hot.
• Spectacular abs.
• Sperm whales.
• Spontaneous human combustion.
• Steven Hawking talking dirty.
• Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
• Stranger danger.
• Sunshine and rainbows.
• Surprise sex!
• Sweet, sweet vengeance.
• Switching to Geico®.
• Swooping.
• Take-backsies.
• Taking off your shirt.
• Tangled Slinkys.
• Tasteful sideboob.
• Teaching a robot to love.
• Team-building exercises.
• Teenage pregnancy.
• Tentacle porn.
• Testicular torsion.
• The American Dream
• The Amish.
• The Big Bang.
• The Blood of Christ.
• The Care Bear Stare.
• The Chinese gymnastics team.
• The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
• The Donald Trump Seal of Approval™.
• The Force.
• The Hamburglar.
• The Holy Bible.
• The Hustle.
• The Jews.
• The KKK.
• The Kool-Aid Man.
• The Little Engine That Could.
• The Make-A-Wish® Foundation.
• The Pope.
• The Rapture.
• The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
• The South.
• The Tempur-Pedic© Swedish Sleep System™.
• The Three-Fifths compromise.
• The Trail of Tears.
• The Underground Railroad.
• The Virginia Tech Massacre.
• The World of Warcraft.
• The chronic.
• The clitoris.
• The folly of man.
• The forbidden fruit.
• The gays.
• The glass ceiling.
• The hardworking Mexican.
• The heart of a child.
• The homosexual agenda.
• The inevitable heat death of the universe.
• The milk man.
• The miracle of childbirth.
• The placenta.
• The profoundly handicapped.
• The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge.
• The terrorists.
• The thing that electrocutes your abs.
• The token minority.
• The true meaning of Christmas.
• The violation of our most basic human rights.
• The Übermensch.
• Third base.
• Tom Cruise.
• Toni Morrison's vagina.
• Too much hair gel.
• Tweeting.
• Two midgets sh*tting into a bucket.
• Unfathomable stupidity.
• Uppercuts.
• Vehicular manslaughter.
• Viagra©.
• Vigilante justice.
• Vigorous jazz hands.
• Vikings.
• Waiting 'til marriage.
• Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
• Waterboarding.
• Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.
• When you fart and a little bit comes out.
• Whipping it out.
• White people.
• White privilege.
• Wifely duties.
• William Shatner.
• Winking at old people.
• Wiping her butt.
• Women in yogurt commercials.
• Women's suffrage.
• World peace.
• YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
• Yeast.