Cards Against Humanity: Fifth Expansion lyrics

Black cards

• And today's soup is Cream of ________.
• Armani suit: $1,000. Dinner for two at that swanky restaurant: $300. The look on her face when you surprise her with ________: priceless.
• Do the Dew® with our most extreme flavor yet! Get ready for Mountain Dew ________!
• Do you lack energy? Does it sometimes feel like the whole world is ________? Zoloft.®
• Don't forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will officially become "________ Friday."
• Get ready for the movie of the summer! One cop plays by the book. The other's only interested in one thing: ________.
• Having the worst day EVER. #________
• Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of ________, and I will not tolerate ________!
• Help me doctor, I've got ________ in my butt!
• Here at the Academy for Gifted Children, we allow students to explore ________ at their own pace.
• Hi MTV! My name is Kendra, I live in Malibu, I'm into ________, and I love to have a good time.
• Hi, this is Jim from accounting. We noticed a $1,200 charge labeled "________." Can you explain?
• I don't mean to brag, but they call me the Michael Jordan of ________.
• In his farewell address, George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of ________.
• In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with ________.
• Life's pretty tough in the fast lane. That's why I never leave the house without ________.
• Now in bookstores: "The Audacity of ________," by Barack Obama.
• Patient presents with ________. Likely a result of ________.
• WHOOO! God damn I love ________!
• Well if ________ is good enough for ________, it's good enough for me.
• Well what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for ________.
• What killed my boner?
• What's making things awkward in the sauna?
• Why am I broke?
• Yo' mama so fat she ________!

White cards

• 40 acres and a mule.
• A crazy little thing called love.
• A disappointing salad.
• A face full of horse c*m.
• A giant powdery manbaby.
• A mouthful of potato salad.
• A one-way ticket to Gary, Indiana.
• A powered exoskeleton.
• A reason not to commit suicide.
• A team of lawyers.
• A whole new kind of porn.
• A zero-risk way to make $2,000 from home.
• AIDS monkeys.
• All these decorative pillows.
• An unforgettable quinceañera.
• An uninterrupted history of imperialism and exploitation.
• Anal fissures like you wouldn't believe.
• Ancient Athenian boy-f*cking
• Backwards knees.
• Being nine years old.
• Being paralyzed from the neck down.
• Being worshipped as the one true God.
• Blackface.
• Blowjobs for everyone.
• Boring vaginal sex.
• Butt stuff.
• Changing a person's mind with logic and facts.
• Child support payments.
• Cutting off a flamingo's legs with garden shears.
• Daddy's credit card.
• Deez nuts.
• Denzel.
• Doing the right stuff to her nipples.
• Ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry.
• Ennui.
• Figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin.
• Free ice cream, yo.
• Genghis Khan's DNA.
• Getting caught by the police and going to jail.
• Getting drive-by shot.
• Getting eaten alive by Guy Fieri.
• Giant sperm from outer space.
• Going to a high school reunion on ketamine.
• Having been dead for a while.
• Mom's new boyfriend.
• My boyfriend's stupid p*nis.
• My dead son's baseball glove.
• My first period.
• Not believing in giraffes.
• Oil!
• Out-of-this-world bazongas.
• P.F. Chang himself.
• Russian super-tuberculosis.
• Seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes.
• Seeing things from Hitler's perspective
• September 11th, 2001.
• Slowly easing down onto a cuc*mber.
• Social justice warriors with flamethrowers of compassion.
• Some sh*t-hot guitar licks.
• The Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle.
• The basic suffering that pervades all of existence.
• The black half of Barack Obama.
• The eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion.
• The ghost of Marlon Brando.
• The passage of time.
• The swim team, all at once.
• The tiger that killed my father.
• The unbelievable world of mushrooms.
• The white half of Barack Obama.
• Too much cocaine.
• Unrelenting genital punishment.
• Vegetarian options.
• Wearing glasses and sounding smart.
• Western standards of beauty.