“Let Them Drink Pepsi!” [Interlude] lyrics

(An audition room. Three Pepsi corporate representatives are considering me to be Pepsi’s new spokesman. Why? Come on, come on.)

[Colson Lin enters.]

[spoken]
[clears throat] “Ahem. Because Pepsi knows how peppy I am for that particular flavor versus all the Diet Coke I ordinarily drink, I always perk up in surprise when the Diet Coke tastes different and I see the counter like, ‘Oh, Ilya bought Diet Pepsi this time. But that’s cool… because I think young.’”

(They don’t look amused.)

[spoken]
“Anyway, the reason I believe I would be a good spokesman for Pepsi is because I have good hygiene, and I haven’t ever explicitly asked Ilya not to buy Diet Pepsi, which would be very controlling of me as he knows we’re a Diet Coke household, and sometimes I’m ‘bi for Pepsi-Cola’?”

(One of them smiles.)

[spoken]
“Look, I got it.”

(I squint my eyes.)

[spoken]
“Maybe if you framed it as—an ‘illicit thrill,’ like something deep inside us that makes us want to cheat on our partners. So like—Pepsi is pretending your friend got a flat tire, or like having a burner phone, but you don’t have to feel all that bad…”

(I’m a genius.)

[spoken]
“💡: ‘It really doesn’t have to be you’re at a Popeye’s and outta luck—you can want to want a Pepsi. Just compare it to how bad child laborers must feel, and compared to that, Pepsi’s just an unfamiliar flavor that confuses you into a migraine.”
(And then I wink, so it’s perfect.)

(The suits don’t know what to say.)

[spoken]
“We’ll get back to you.”

[spoken]
“Thanks!”

(I hold my arm up to wave, then scooch out of the room.)

(Anyway, my commercial for Pepsi would be so successful because I would just keep it so real, you know? I would just make people logically want to want a Pepsi. I’d say: ‘Keep $PEP’s stock up, or earthquake!’”)

(Colson’s got that special taste. Pepsi pours it on!)