Weed Card lyrics

[Verse 1]
Everyone knows marijuana's dangerous
And medical pot is really strong
That's why it's so hard in California
To get your weed card, unless something's really wrong

Gonna pay a visit to my doctor
It's a long shot but I gotta try
He hands me a list of all the ailments
I can have to qualify

Can't believe what I am reading
This is just what I've been needing
A government supply
To get legally high

[Chorus]
Weed card, it's what I need
Hardly ever
Okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

[Verse 2: Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci]
You can get your card for having headaches, bad dreams or anxiety (f*cked up, gonna get f*cked up)
Propensity for drugs or alcohol, anorexia or obesity (f*cked up, gonna get f*cked up)
Too fat, too thin, either way you win
Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness, st-t-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay (f*cked up, gonna get f*cked up)
Fatigue, depression, motion sickness, impotence or TMJ (f*cked up, gonna get f*cked up)
[Both]
You can smoke to quit cigarettes
For asthma or your motherf*cking Tourette's
It's a dream come true
There's nothing pot can't do

[Chorus]
Weed card, it's what I need
Hardly ever
Okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

[Bridge]
Break it down now!
Got back pain, need Mary Jane
Can't handle this, need cannabis
Got a stomachache, gotta wake and bake
Have an injury, need THC
Get f*cked up for your hyperhidrosis
Which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis

It's not a crime, it's 420 time

[Chorus]
Weed card, it's what I need
Hardly ever
Okay, always
But it's not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription