[TIMMY, spoken]
Hello there, and welcome to the Whitest Kids CD. You're listening to me!
I want you to think of me not as a CD that you own, but as a friend that you can confide in. Your best friend.
We're gonna have so much fun together, and you can tell me all your thoughts and dreams, and I'll always be here for you. Whenever you're feeling blue, you can just put me on!
So, how was your day today? Yeah? Did ya have fun at school? Uh-huh? Really! They did! They did.
They think they're so f*cking smug don't they. I bet they wouldn't be so smug if we brought a f*cking gun to school. That would shoot the f*cking smug right off their f*cking faces, wouldn't it?
I bet they're talking about you right now. Well, guess what? We're talking about them! The only difference is that we're planning.
Where's your dad's gun? This is almost too easy. What we'll do is, tomorrow, right before first period, we'll- Oh! I think I hear your mom coming! Don't worry, I'll pretend that I'm a normal CD, I'll-I'll pretend to sing a song.
[TIMMY, singing]
London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down
London bridge is falling down, my-
[TIMMY, spoken]
Okay, the coast is clear, the b*tch is gone. Now where were we? Oh yeah, murder. Wow, you and I are getting along great! I feel like we could do anything together.
Hey, I've got a crazy idea. While we're planning our murders, why don't you relax by masturbating? I'll even play some sexy girl sounds to help you out.
*Female moaning begins and continues throughout*
Okay, first we'll need grappling hooks to get to the cafeteria roof. Keep masturbating. Then right as the kids are coming back from break through the quad, we'll propel through the skylight. Yeah! Keep masturbating. They'll be like fish in a barrel.
Oh, your mom's coming back! Put it away, put it away.
*Female moaning pauses*
[TIMMY, singing]
London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.
London bridge is falling-
*Female moaning resumes*
[TIMMY, spoken]
Okay, she's gone. Hey, you know what feels really good while you're masturbating? Cutting yourself. Cut yourself with one hand while you j*rk off with the other.
We're gonna kill everybody. It's gonna take forever. Yeah, that feels good, doesn't it? You know what else is gonna feel good? Watching the look of terror in your classmates' faces when we descend from the roof tomorrow morning, with our guns blazing!
Wipe your blood on the speakers! Wipe your blood on the CD tray! Cover me in your blood! OUR blood!
Hey, you know what else I bet is really awesome? j*rking off to dog sounds!
*Sounds of dogs barking, over the female moaning*
Here, listen to these while you masturbate! Oh, yeah! Ah, that's good! Oh, that's- Your mom's coming! Ah-
*Dog barking and female moaning pause*
[TIMMY, singing]
London bridge is falling down, falling down-
*Dog barking and female moaning resume*
[TIMMY, spoken]
Okay, she's gone! All right, now finish on yourself. Finish on yourself! Ah, dogs and sexy ladies coming to a crescendo!
*Laughs*
Finish now! Ah! Ah! Ohhh.
*Dog barking and female moaning suddenly stop*
Ugh, gross! You stupid little sh*t! I can't believe you actually did that! God, stop being such a follower all the time. Kids at school are right, you are a di*kweed.