“The Dressing Room Shuffle” from the musical I Sing! lyrics

Alan:
In a state of deep confusion
And enormous self-delusion
Heidi thinks that looking nice might win him back
Heidi cries and pulls the dresses of the rack

Heidi:
What color works best for a failing relationship?
Blood red? Pitch black?

Alan:
I don’t know

Heidi [spoken]:
You don’t know?

Alan:
No, I really don’t know
Heidi wants a new dress
Nicky’d say no
He’d say “shopping’s so boring, and she moves way too slow”
But I smile and be good
Like a good roommate should
And she asks me and I agree to go

Heidi:
Alan, is my ass too big, my waist too big, my chest too big
My head, my legs, my breasts too big
Do I look like a pig in heat?
Alan, don’t be so discrete
Tell me, is it pretty?
Tell me, is it sexy?
Tell me, is it hot?
Really, Alan, don’t just stand there staring at the floor
You gotta tell me, should I buy this thing or not?
Alan:
Yeah, buy it!

Heidi:
I don’t know, though

Alan:
God, I can’t take it anymore!
Another minute and I’ll throw her on the dressing room floor, yelling
“Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, can’t you see?
Heidi, Heidi, please make love to me
Love me, Heidi, love me every night
Won’t you love me, Heidi, love me, Heidi, love me, Heidi, love me, Heidi, love me right!”

Heidi:
Alan, do I look too short?
My legs too short, my toes too short?
My arms, my knees, my nose too short
Do I look like some sort of dwarf?

Alan:
You’re not a dwarf
You’re just a girl

Heidi:
What does that mean?
Alan:
It means, there’s lust and friendship
And I’m caught in between
Crying
Love me, Heidi
Heidi, you’re so smart!
Love me, Heidi
It’s tearing me apart
Love me, Heidi
Heidi, be with me
Won’t you love me, Heidi, love me, Heidi, love me, Heidi, love me, Heidi
Double D!

Heidi [spoken]:
Did you just say “double d”?

Alan [spoken]:
No, I never said double d! What the—?

Alan [sung]:
2, 3, 4!
f*ck me, Heidi
f*ck me till I die
f*ck me, Heidi
f*ck me till I cry
f*ck me, Heidi
Just don’t ask me why
I’m a “f*ck me, Heidi, f*ck me, Heidi, f*ck me, Heidi, f*ck me, Heidi” kind of guy!
Alan & Heidi [sung simultaneously]:

f*ck me, Heidi
f*ck me till I die
Alan, is my ass too big, my waist too big, my chest too big
f*ck me, Heidi
f*ck me till I cry
My head, my legs, my breasts too big
Am I pig in heat?
Oh, Alan!
f*ck me, Heidi
Just don’t ask me why
Alan, do I look too short?
Am I a sort of dwarf?
I’m a “f*ck me, Heidi, f*ck me, Heidi, f*ck me, Heidi, f*ck me, Heidi”—
What is sexy to a charming, caring, wonderful and heterosexual—

Both:
Kind of—

Heidi [spoken]:
Hey, Alan, can you zip me up the back?

Alan [spoken]:
Yeah, sure

Both [sung]:
Guy!